(theme music playing)
(crowd cheering)
Welcome, welcome, welcome...
to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and it was dominated here, at home, by this;
Breaking news back here, at home, tonight,
out of Ferguson, Missouri.
Okay, let's just all agree
that breaking news out of Ferguson
has become one of the most dread-inducing combinations of words
in the English language,
alongside "Dr. Phil sex tape,"
and "vegan cupcakes."
Now, on Wednesday,
the Department of Justice released two reports on Ferguson.
They first announced that no civil rights charges would be filed
against Officer Darren Wilson for the Michael Brown shooting,
but it was the second one that had people talking.
The Department also officially released
a scathing report that found systemic racial bias
in the Ferguson Police Department and courts.
Now, I don't think anyone was truly surprised by the contents of that report.
In fact, you needed to read that report the same way
you needed to read the reviews of "Mortdecai."
You knew the verdict would be terrible,
it was just which particular words they chose to use.
Now, the report didn't just show evidence
of disproportionate targeting and violence against African-Americans.
It also showed this.
Investigators say that they found emails
on-- from court officials and police department-- uh, police officers,
that were racial jokes that referenced President Obama.
Woman: Another message, in June 2011,
compared dogs to African-Americans,
suggesting the animals needed welfare because they were mixed in color,
unemployed, lazy, can't speak English,
and have no freaking clue who their daddies are.
(crowd groaning) It is moments like this
that make me glad I'm on HBO,
where you can hear me say this;
fuck those fucking assholes.
(crowd cheering) That's--
This is what swearing is for.
But the mayor of Ferguson
then immediately went into damage-control mode,
inexplicably arguing that we should not blow this all out of proportion.
These actions taken by these individuals
are in no way representative
of the employees of the city of Ferguson.
"In no way representative"?
Did you read the report?
They were entirely representative.
That's the problem.
These emails were apparently sent
from official City of Ferguson email addresses
to supervisors in both the Ferguson Police Department
and the court system
during work hours.
So they couldn't be more representative of Ferguson city employees
if their signature said,
"Sent from the very core of who I am as a person."
I will say
that there is one thing the mayor of Ferguson said in his press conference
that did make sense.
Today's report allows the city of Ferguson
to identify the problems not only in our police department,
but in the entire St. Louis region.
Now, that is true,
because let's be clear, this is not just Ferguson,
and if you need proof, here is just one other example.
A year and a half ago,
an African-American police officer in St. Louis
received this letter at work.
Man: It read in part, quote,
(reading text)
I'll tell you what gets me about that;
ending a racist, threatening letter with, "respectfully."
It just goes to show whatever systemic problems that area may have,
Midwestern politeness is unshakable.
I can only assume that that officer responded,
(reading text)
So let's move on.
Let's move on from Ferguson
to a slightly less contentious spot on the globe,
Israel.
Their elections are in two weeks' time,
and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's recent ad campaign
has proven controversial.
Man: Islamic State fighters on the road to Israel.
At least that's what Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
is warning voters in this campaign advertisement.
The message appears to be that if the center-left defeats
Netanyahu's right-wing party in the March 17th parliamentary election,
ISIL will end up taking over.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure if ISIL were going to take over Israel,
they wouldn't be politely waiting until after the election.
Death to Israel...
pending all precincts reporting.
Respect the process, guys. Stand back.
Meanwhile, one of Netanyahu's main opponents,
Isaac Herzog, has been running an ad addressing a slightly less urgent issue.
(speaking foreign language)
Yeah, Isaac Herzog is apparently concerned that people hate his voice.
And if you're thinking,
"Why? He seems to have a perfectly pleasant baritone,"
well, it turns out, for that ad
he dubbed "his own voice
"with that of a booming announcer."
Which kind of makes you wonder,
"How annoying is this guy's actual voice
"if he's been forced to do that?"
I mean, are we talking Pee-Wee Herman mid-orgasm?
Uh, Ray Romano possessed by the ghost of a duck?
Russell Crowe's normal signing voice?
What-- what level of irritation to the human ear is it?
I have to hear this horrific real voice in action.
There is also a growing disappointment and mistrust
about Netanyahu's security policy.
That voice is fine.
That's a normal, human, male voice.
I have to say, it's not a great sign of strong leadership
that the moment someone criticizes your voice,
you panic and go hire a stunt larynx.
But the single greatest campaign ad
from the Israeli election so far
is from the Yesh Atid party,
which consists of, and this is true,
a three-hour long single shot
of a man summarizing his party's achievements
while someone paints a mural behind him.
And it is pretty bold to make a video that literally allows people
to compare you to the experience of watching paint dry.
In fact, the single most exciting thing that happens
in that three-hour video is this;
(speaking foreign language)
(piano playing)
(speaking foreign language)
Now, now, give him credit. He did nail that.
He was two hours and 15 minutes in.
If he'd given himself the hiccups,
they would have had to start over from the start.
But finally tonight; Fanta--
the button on a vending machine
most likely to be covered by a piece of masking tape
crudely labeled "root beer."
Fanta was actually in the news this week
for some spectacular reasons.
Coca-Cola has pulled its latest ad for Fanta in Germany
over an unintended reference to Nazi Germany.
Okay, okay.
If you work in advertising,
before you hit the button on any campaign,
someone has to say,
"Just to be clear,
"we all checked this thing for Nazi references, right?
"We do not want another Michael Jordan with a Hitler mustache issue, okay?
"We don't want that to happen again."
Apparently, Coca-Cola made the mistake
of deciding to celebrate Fanta's 75th anniversary
by reminding people of how it was invented.
Man: In the video, Coca-Cola explains how its German plant
was having difficulty getting the syrup needed to make Coke in the '40s,
so bottlers were forced to make their own sodas, including Fanta.
The problem? The reason the plants had a hard time getting the syrup
was of World War II and trade embargoes against Nazi Germany.
Yes.
Fanta was invented in Nazi Germany,
and if you didn't know that before,
I'm willing to bet it's the only thing
you're going to associate Fanta with from now on.
Look, it's a pretty good rule
that any companies with historic ties to the Nazis
should generally avoid nostalgia.
There's a reason that Volkswagen emphasizes things like
the Passat winning Car of the Year
rather than, say, the honors it won back in the 1940s.
Herbie, how could you?
You've truly gone bananas!
I will say this, Fanta,
good luck trying to get people to forget your connection to Nazi Germany again,
because I do not think it can be done.
Man: We at Fanta are well aware
we've had some messaging problems recently.
So we just want to remind you what Fanta is really all about.
It's the cool, crisp, carbonated drink
that marches across your taste buds like--
Oh, wait, hold on. Not marches--
fizzes across your taste buds.
If you're on the beach on a hot summer day,
think of Fanta as a corridor to the sea.
Wait, no. Not that.
Just focus on the great taste of Fanta.
It'll annex your thirst.
Not annex-- quench. Is quench okay?
Yeah, yeah. Quench is fine.
We just want to make sure when you think about Fanta,
you don't automatically think about Nazis.
Fanta. Nazis. Shit!
Moving on. (crowd cheering)
Our main story tonight...
Our main story tonight concerns voting.
Yesterday marked the 50th anniversary of the first Selma march,
one of the pivotal moments
which led to the Voting Rights Act.
But voting rights in this country,
much like John Travolta's hair,
are still very much a work in progress.
There are the obvious obstacles for many Americans,
such as increasingly restrictive voter ID laws,
but there's also the less obvious ones,
as Congress was reminded just this week.
As we commemorate the 50th anniversary of the march on Selma this week,
and the subsequent passage of the Voting Rights Act,
I want to once again call to the attention
of my colleagues here in Congress
that there are still American citizens today
who do not have equal voting rights.
These are citizens of America's island territories,
the US Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico,
Guam, and the Northern Marianas.
Yes, American citizens
living in US island territories do not get to vote for president.
And that's the kind of unsettling fact that deep down you probably knew,
but chose not to think about.
Like, the fact that the dog from "Full House" is definitely dead by now.
That kind of thing. (audience groans)
But-- but more than-- You're proving my point.
More than four million people
live in the US territories.
More than 98% of them are racial or ethnic minorities.
And the more you look into the history
of why their voting rights are restricted,
the harder it is to justify,
'cause it goes all the way back
to when America first acquired them.
Woman: The United States flag is flying over these lands,
and so some people said, "Well, doesn't that mean American laws apply?"
In 1901, the Insular Cases--
basically, the judgment of the Supreme Court was that the new territories
were inhabited by, quote, "alien races,"
and they may not be able to understand Anglo-Saxon laws.
Therefore, the Constitution doesn't have to apply.
Wow.
Alien races can't understand Anglo-Saxon principles.
I find that condescending, and I'm British.
We basically invented patronizing bigotry.
I do so wish we could explain the concept of voting to them,
but, deary me, their savage, little coconut brains would probably just collapse.
I'm assuming it's coconut milk in there. We'll soon see.
Whacky stick!
Look, the point is...
if that does not set off some alarm bells for you,
the man who wrote the lead decision
in the first of those rulings was
Justice Henry Billings Brown,
who, fun fact,
also wrote the famous "separate but equal" decision
in "Plessy v. Ferguson."
And even he suggested these exceptions to the Constitution should only stand
"for a time," as in a temporary arrangement.
But it's been 114 years.
It's like for over a century, America's computer has been saying,
"An Update to Your Country is Available,"
and we've been clicking "Remind Me Later" again and again and again.
So, tonight,
let's look at voting rights in the territories.
We'll begin in Puerto Rico,
whose citizens are Americans,
a fact that comes as a surprise to a shocking number of people,
as we learned when Sonia Sotomayor was named to the Supreme Court.
Sotomayor, a Bronx native,
is the daughter of Puerto Rican immigrants.
Woman: She was a first-generation American,
the daughter of Puerto Rican immigrants.
The daughter of Puerto Rican immigrants.
She is the daughter of Puerto Rican immigrants.
She's the daughter of Puerto Rican immigrants.
No, she isn't.
She's the daughter of Americans
who moved from Puerto Rico.
(audience clapping) If Puerto Ricans are immigrants,
anyone who moves anywhere is an immigrant.
Hey, bro, could you help me immigrate apartments on Saturday?
I need to immigrate a couch up two flights of stairs.
Puerto Rico has more American citizens than 21 US states,
but less voting rights than any of them.
And whether or not they choose to become a state,
it's a little weird that while they're making that decision,
they have a delegate in Congress who can't do much.
My constituents cherish their US citizenship
and have made countless contributions to this country.
Yet they cannot vote for president,
have no US Senators,
and send one delegate to the House,
who has a voice, but no vote in this chamber.
It's pretty infantilizing, when discussing national legislation,
to give Puerto Rico the same status
as a six-year-old voting on where the family should get to go on vacation.
Oh, what's that, Timmy?
Narnia? Okay. Colonial Williamsburg it is, then.
And the-- You were heard, Timmy. You were heard.
And the same voting rights restrictions apply to the residents of Guam,
the Pacific territory that, unequivocally, sounds the most like a "Batman" punch.
*
There is-- There is nothing not to love about Guam.
It is a beautiful island in a strategically important location for the US military.
So much so, their bases currently occupy
over a quarter of Guam's land,
and yet the residents of Guam
have absolutely no say in general elections for their commander in chief,
which is even harder to swallow when you consider this.
Woman: According to Guam's Office of Veteran's Affairs,
at least one in eight adult Guamanians is a veteran,
among the highest percentages of all US states and territories.
Guam gives a quarter of its land
and as much as an eighth of its people to the US military.
At this point, the American flag
should really just be a guy from Guam waving an American flag.
And yet, due in part to their lack of full voting rights,
those veterans are shamefully underserved.
Woman: In 2012, Guam ranked dead last
in per-capita spending on medical care
by the US Department of Veterans Affairs, or the VA.
It's called the PTSD Program Locator.
So it tells me here to enter my address.
Five options here,
but the closest one so far looks like Hawaii.
It's, uh, 3,803 miles...
.22 miles.
That is disgusting.
The only person who should have to travel 3,800 miles for treatment
should be a Beverly Hills housewife
flying to Colombia for unapproved lip injections derived from cobra venom.
But the amazing thing is,
just because Guam residents aren't allowed to vote for president,
doesn't mean that they don't.
Guam holds a straw poll every presidential election,
and their registered voter turnout is actually higher
than that of the rest of America.
And to misquote the words of the great philosopher Lil Jon,
turn out for what?
*
That's a great song.
But-- but just-- Just imagine...
how it must feel
to have the desire to vote,
but know deep down you're going to be ignored.
Actually, you don't have to imagine it,
'cause let this Guam voter tell you.
It's... terrible.
I mean, I believe it's not fair, you know.
We're all citizens of the United States.
I wish somebody change that.
Okay, that sounds sad,
but at least on Election Day that woman gets to wear the incredibly special,
"I voted and wish it had actually counted" sticker.
But, amazingly, Guam still gets
more respect from the US Government
than American Samoa,
as was proven a little while back when a US Member of Congress
was tasked with introducing their delegate, Eni Faleomavaega.
The chair recognizes the gentleman
from American Samolia,
Mr. Fan--
Falomabenga.
Samolia?
Listen, I get his name is a little difficult,
but you cannot mispronounce American Samoa.
There's a fucking Girl Scout Cookie named after it.
Think about it this way. Would you forget the name
of the state of Thinmintissippi?
No! That would be ridiculous.
But watch how gracious American Samolia's delegate was
in his response.
Thank you, Mr. Speaker. It's American Samoa.
That is class that I do not have,
because if I were him, I'd responded,
"Thank you, it is a privilege to be here
"in Waffleton D.P., in the great United Sporks of Amoogaboink."
American Samoans not only lack voting rights,
they lack a little something extra, too.
The US Constitution grants citizenship to everyone
born on US soil, except in one jurisdiction.
American Samoa, in the South Pacific.
It is a US territory,
but people who are born there do not automatically get US citizenship.
They don't even get automatic citizenship,
meaning the "American" part of American Samoa
is really just a title that doesn't mean anything,
like, People's Choice Award nominee or social media expert.
Just devoid of meaning.
And that fact is especially shocking
when you learn that American Samoa,
a territory that cannot vote for a president who could send it to war,
is also home to the top Army recruiting station in the country.
So, now, I'm thinking the American flag should be
a guy from American Samoa waving a flag with a guy from Guam on it
waving the American flag.
And because of their status as non-citizens,
many veterans have to carry around a humiliating reminder
that they are not equal in the eyes of the law.
So this, here, is my, uh, US National passport.
The very last page of the passport
makes it uniquely a US National passport.
It makes me look like I'm an outsider.
I think it's...
It demeans me as a person, I think.
That's right. They're not citizens, but nationals,
which means they can't run for president,
serve on a federal jury,
or, depending on where they live, even become a public school teacher.
So they're kind of like off-brand citizens.
They're Americans in the same way that these are Froot Loops,
or this is Dr Pepper.
You can pretend it's the same thing.
Everyone knows it's worse.
Five American Samoans are actually suing the government to change this rule,
but the Obama Administration has fought them
by citing the Insular Cases from earlier,
which suggest that American Samoans,
like all residents of the territories,
can be given fewer rights, because they belong to,
(reading text)
And that's a tricky argument to win
in the face of this kind of evidence.
Where are you from?
I'm originally from American Samoa, but... (cheering)
And what do you do for a living?
I'm a soldier in the US Army.
I joined straight out of high school, and it was something to serve my country
and to give back.
(cheering) I'm active service. We just got back from deployment
to Afghanistan for nine months.
* Not really sure how to feel about it *
* Something in the way you move *
* Makes me feel like I can't live without you *
* And it takes me all the way *
* I said I want you to stay *
(vocalizing)
(cheering)
* I want you to stay
(vocalizing) (applause)
Just to be clear,
that is an Afghanistan war veteran moving an audience to cheers,
and at least one judge to a partial orgasm,
with a rendition of a Rihanna song
on a show called "America's Got Talent."
If that's not an American,
I don't think one has ever existed.
And look-- look-- (cheering, applause)
There are-- there are a lot of complicated issues
surrounding what the precise status of all the US territories should be,
and what the people who live there would prefer.
But, surely, when it comes to denying Americans the right to vote,
we have to find a better reason
than citing an 100-year-old legal decision
written by a racist that was always supposed to be temporary.
And I'm not saying this will be an easy thing to do,
I'm just saying we've figured out a lot more complicated things
in the last 114 years.
Think about it. We invented television.
We eliminated the measles,
and then, for some fucking reason,
brought them back again.
We've held 30 Wrestlemanias,
and those things are logistical nightmares.
And you know what else we figured out?
How to fucking fly.
And if we can work out how to climb inside metal birds,
slip the bonds of this earth and soar through the air
to visit these territories,
we should be able to work out how to ensure the four million people who live there
get adequately heard.
And now, this.
Announcer: And now, "Last Week Tonight" asks...
(reads text)
This week; Daylight Saving Time.
How is this still a thing?
(alarm beeps) If you're like most Americans,
you've been groggy all day after losing an hour of sleep to daylight saving.
And as you struggle to remember how to change the clock on your fucking microwave,
you may have wondered,
"Why is this happening?"
(rooster crows) For years,
conventional wisdom has been that it benefits one particular group.
I know it started because of farmers. I'm almost sure of that.
(buzzing) But that's not actually true.
It gives them extra time to plant, extra time to harvest.
(buzzing) It has nothing to do with farmers.
I remember, years ago, hearing that it was for the farm people.
(buzzing) The farm people want nothing to do with this,
as they themselves will tell you.
I know of, really, no farmer, that I'm aware of,
that benefits from-- from-- you know, actually farm activities,
having daylight-savings time.
Of course daylight saving doesn't benefit farmers.
Cows don't care what time it is,
because they're cows,
and cows are idiots.
(mooing) So if it's not for them,
who is it for?
The modern daylight saving was introduced during the first World War
as a fuel-saving measure by the Germans.
That's right, you lost an hour of sleep this morning
thanks to Kaiser Wilhelm.
And while back then, daylight saving may indeed have saved fuel,
in the modern era, energy consumption is a little more complicated.
In fact, when Indiana adopted daylight saving in 2006,
guess what happened?
Man: The data shows that daylight saving
actually led to a 1% overall rise
in residential electricity.
Announcer: Of course it did.
Because switching on a lamp an hour later in the summer
doesn't really matter when you're blasting an air conditioner
and staying up all night psychotically scrolling through Instagrams
of your ex's honeymoon to Morocco.
But that's not to say daylight saving doesn't have any effects at all.
Studies show there is an increase of car accidents
and work-related injuries
the week after the time change.
That's right, what you lose in sleep
you gain in mortal danger.
Despite all this,
70 countries around the world still observe daylight saving.
And yet, by going by local news reports,
none of them can tell you why.
From Australia...
Well, daylight saving is almost over for another year,
and with it comes the usual debate
over its merits, or lack thereof.
To Italy...
(speaking Italian) Man: It's a pain in the ass, basically.
To even the Germans,
the people who started this whole mess.
(speaking German) The time change for many people is ridiculous.
Whether it's an hour ahead or later is complete nonsense.
Complete nonsense,
and that's coming from a country
that thinks this is a word,
and that this is dancing.
(polka playing)
So if it doesn't benefit our energy bill,
our health, or our stupid, stupid cows,
(mooing) it has to make you wonder...
daylight-saving time,
how is this still a thing?
And, finally, tonight...
a quick update on the tobacco industry.
A few weeks ago, we looked at their efforts to bully countries
out of adopting plain-packaging laws.
Well, this week, to their credit,
another country was brave enough to try.
Ireland, today, became the first country in the EU,
and only the second in the world, to introduce
plain packaging for tobacco products.
Good for you, Ireland.
That is remarkable, and all the more so because in the run-up to that
tobacco companies sent threatening letters to the Irish Government,
with an affiliate of Philip Morris International claiming the laws
infringe its trademark, saying, and I quote--
(reading text)
And you know you have a pretty weak legal argument
if it sounds like a rejected fucking Jewel lyric.
Now-- Now, you may recall
when we talked about this, we struck upon a compromise,
suggesting that Marlboro should be allowed to put branding on its packaging,
so long as that branding was their new mascot,
Jeff the Diseased Lung in a cowboy hat.
We even took out an ad at a bus stop in Uruguay
and shipped a box of Jeff t-shirts to Togo.
We encouraged the rest of the world to spread the word about Jeff,
using the hashtag--
(reading text)
And, to our absolute joy, Jeff you did.
Jeff you did very much.
But it didn't stop there,
because, and we had nothing to do with the rest of this,
there are now shockingly good animated videos of Jeff on YouTube.
As well as this bus stop ad in Germany,
featuring text which roughly translates as,
"break the tobacco industry,"
which is fantastic, but quick note.
If you're gonna reference Kim Kardashian's
"break the Internet" photo shoot,
you should really make Jeff look like this.
So that's just-- They were both good,
it's just, if you're-- The point is--
The point is, it actually gets one step better,
'cause, incredibly, someone made an elaborate, full Jeff costume,
and sent us a video from Mexico City
of him dancing around on stage at a rally.
Gracias , Mexico.
Muy bueno.
You should all feel free to continue
whatever Jeff-based madness you see fit,
but by way of thanks, we wanted to give something back to you.
In the words of the great poet Philip Morris International,
"A dance is only meaningful if it is danced."
So, please, now welcome,
Jeff and the Diseased Lung Line Dancers
to perform the soon-to-be international dance craze,
the Jeff!
(crowd cheering) (country music playing)
(coughing)
(coughing intensifies)
Okay. Okay. Okay.
That's-- that's our show, everybody!
Good night!
Thank you so much for joining us.
We'll see you again next week.
Jeff, are you okay?
Are you okay, Jeff? Good-bye!
(coughing violently)
(hacking)
*
(wheezing)
(labored breathing)
*